My favorite books on communicating with children

In my recent workshop on communication, we discussed these key points:

• Regulate before you relate. Try to find your zone of calm/emotional regulation before engaging in important conversations. Recall the reactive, fight-or-flight response can impede access to the parts of the brain involved in logical thinking, communication, problem-solving. This is especially true for children, whose emotional regulation and impulse control are still developing into their twenties—but it applies to us as well.

• All behavior is communication. Children’s behavior reflects a need, either met or unmet. The lens through which we view our children shapes the depth of our compassion and the way we respond. Shifting from “my child is difficult” to “my child is struggling” opens the door to solutions and connection. 

• Connect before you correct. Use curiosity, empathy, and validation before offering advice or jumping into problem-solving. Being heard is often what matters most.

• Practice makes progress. The brain is plastic and change is possible, but rewiring how we respond in tough moments takes time, repetition, and support—it can almost feel like learning a new language!

This summary is based on the following books, all of which I recommend and have read multiple times.

1) Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1980). How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk. Scribner.

2) Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.

3) Damour, L. (2023). The emotional lives of teenagers: Raising connected, capable, and compassionate adolescents. Ballantine Books.

4) Greene, R. W. (2021). The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children (6th ed.). Harper Paperbacks.

5) Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication: A language of life (2nd ed.). PuddleDancer Press.